I have major depressive disorder. While deep depressive episodes often come in waves, recently they’ve been more consistent. Although the brain is the “control center” of the body, it is, after all, just an organ and can be affected by mental disorders in the same way other organs can become sick.
While the emotional aspect “causes” the physical symptoms, it still affects the body. This looks different for everyone and can manifest in ways that sometimes even doctors can’t explain.
In the past couple of months, I’ve fallen into a darker place than I hoped I would be at this point in my life, and it’s one that I’m finding challenging to pull myself out of — even though I’m able to identify some of the “reasons” or triggers (though these episodes are not completely caused by that and can happen without any obvious motive).
I’ve been underweight my whole life; it’s mostly genetic. I’m also a bit taller than the average American woman at 5’5”, so losing weight is not healthy for me. However, unfortunately, I’ve been experiencing extreme loss of appetite — to the point where I can go days without eating, or not eating at all — causing me to lose 12 pounds. I touched on this in my post about self-starvation. There’s one side where it’s self-harm, and another where you’re simply too depressed to eat, and the body and mind work together to create this problem.
One thing I experience, which is very common, is fatigue. The lack of proper nutrition plays a major part in this, but even without that, feeling exhausted — both physically and mentally — is prevalent. There’s also a difficult-to-describe feeling of being drained, which can present as being emotionless, motionless, speaking softly, and avoiding social or public situations. Often, when one is drained so much physically, they can lose focus on tasks, both hobbies and chores. I find myself struggling to do low-effort hobbies, like watching movies or drawing — I’d rather just lie in bed with the lights off. For higher-effort hobbies, like writing or spending time with friends, I avoid them completely or take longer than usual to do them.
Problems with sleep are also very common. I personally can’t speak too much on this, as I’ve struggled with chronic insomnia my whole life, but I do know there are people who either sleep excessively or can’t sleep at all due to their depression. This, of course, intertwines with all the other physical symptoms, creating a domino effect.
One thing that started happening, which had never occurred before, was psychogenic pruritus, or psychogenic itch — non-dermatological itching caused by psychiatric disorders. For me, it was so severe that my legs were covered with an array of bruises, ranging from pink to black, some even in the shape of fingerprints. The itching has been so distressing that it disturbs my sleep. I now have to use a topical steroid for the time being, as oral antihistamines do not work.
This is just a brief example of some ways major depressive disorder affects my body. While a lot of this is common, it can look different for everyone. Things are hard right now, but life comes in waves and seasons. I am thankful for the support from my doctors, family, and friends, and I know I have the strength somewhere inside me to make it through.
Talya's life 