Feeling lost

Many of us, both those who struggle with depression and those who do not, often feel the numbness of “not living, but just existing.” While someone who doesn’t have depression may feel this due to the everyday challenges of balancing work, a social and romantic life, personal problems, and “normal” fears of what the future holds, someone with depression might feel this way because of factors such as trauma (including PTSD), existential dread, anger, low self-esteem, and other mental struggles the individual may be going through.

For me, my depression has low and high points that sometimes change from week to week, but they have been consistent for the past few months. I’ve been experiencing this feeling of simply existing and not actually living, but I feel very lost throughout it. I don’t really know what I’m doing with my life. I went to trade school after high school, although I no longer have interest in that career. I want to go back to school; however, I don’t know if I can handle the pressure of school, work, and managing my illnesses right now. There are times when I want to feel more independent as an adult and move somewhere completely new and unfamiliar, and times when I want to revert back to my childhood and be the innocent person I once was.

Feeling lost doesn’t necessarily mean you’re depressed, and it can actually be very “normal” (in fact, I think many people, especially in their 20s, feel that way). However, when one is dealing with the heaviness of depression, feeling lost almost becomes a side effect of it. I don’t struggle with the idea of feeling lost regarding my identity (which can be common with many mental illnesses); I know who I am, what kind of person I am, and ways I want to improve. However, I do believe that the lines between illness and self-identity can blur and become very confusing when you’re experiencing emotions that do not make you feel like yourself or cause out-of-character behavior.

In an upcoming post, I’m going to talk about the “butterfly effect” of mental illness and trauma — how one feeling, symptom of an illness, or even an illness in itself can stem from a much deeper-rooted place. This was sort of a preface to that. But it is something I’m currently dealing with and wanted to post about.