Sometimes, two people who have experienced trauma will bond for many reasons. Often, they talk and relate to one another, or they both recognize a familiarity in each other. However, this can lead to further problems.
I’ve had the unfortunate experience of trying to convince people from my past to get help—both friends and romantic partners. From extreme abuse to an absent parent, I’ve realized that when someone opens up, it’s clear they won’t be able to move forward without therapy.
Due to my extensive history in the psychiatric world, I understand the dislike for it. I’ve had my fair share of evil (yes, evil) psychiatrists, incompetent therapists, and lazy doctors. There is still a stigma surrounding seeking help, especially for men, even though it is more accepted than it used to be. At the same time, I’ve also seen the improvement people can make through talk and behavioral therapy. Not everyone needs medication.
So, what could be the outcome of a “trauma bond”? Of course, I can only speak from my own experience. When I’ve been in situations where I’m involved with someone who has unresolved trauma, I usually get frustrated. That person often experiences a chain reaction of events—one thing after another—that leads back to the root cause, which can help explain their behavior. I’ve found that even suggesting therapy or treatment makes them defensive; they often feel they’re “too good” for it or have convinced themselves they don’t need it.
In romantic situations, I’ve noticed that many men tend to project their negative emotions onto me, sometimes becoming both verbally and emotionally abusive. Others will detach themselves or “ghost” me, then move on to another woman, repeating the same behavior. These are all forms of unhealthy coping mechanisms, but they serve the purpose of protecting the hurt parts of themselves. Of course, this is not an excuse for any kind of malicious behavior—it’s just an explanation.
Connecting with these types of people can feel like trying to force two negative ends of a magnet to connect. I have my own fair share of trauma, and I am in no way completely “healed” or perfect. I’m extremely aware of when I’m in the wrong and how I need to improve. But this is something I talk about and work through in therapy and psychiatry.
Many people who have experienced some form of trauma connect easily with others who have the same, as there’s a sense of comfort and understanding. There are also more bleak reasons, such as someone recognizing that another person is emotionally vulnerable due to trauma and seeing them as an easy target to manipulate. This can inflate the manipulator’s ego (egotism can be a sign of unresolved trauma).
The bond between two people with trauma is extremely complex, and it’s a circumstance I’ve found myself in too many times. While everyone has problems, challenges, and hardships, not everyone has experienced the same level of trauma. For me, it’s a unique experience because I’ve been receiving help for most of my life, even though I didn’t ask for it and wasn’t old enough to recognize I needed it. So, when I find myself in these situations, there’s an odd imbalance.
However, I’ve had positive experiences as well. There have been people who were in intensive therapy and able to give me insight into what they had learned, or others with whom I could relate. Sometimes, our struggles can bring us together in the best ways. But always make sure you’re doing what’s best for you. As much as I wish people who need help would accept it, you can’t force them—you can only hope that one day, they’ll come to that realization.
Talya's life 